Do You Love Yourself?
I remember years ago I was speaking with my counselor. I was telling her how I was feeling about myself.
I had gained a lot of weight. I felt shame and anger toward myself. I was beating myself up in my mind all the time.
I’d look in the mirror and the words that came to mind were…
“Look at me – I’m disgusting.”
“How could I do this again?”
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe how fat I am!”
I had been battling my weight since I was about 10 years old…well on some level for as long as I could remember.
I think the first time I went on Weight Watchers, I was about 11. I lost a lot of weight. I remember feeling good, but also extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I hadn’t felt comfortable in my skin when I was heavier…and I still didn’t. At the local swim club when I came out of the locker room donning my yellow two-piece bathing suit (no, it was not a bikini), I didn’t feel confident…I felt naked, seen, even a little scared.
This cycle was repeated many times over the years.
I’d lose weight over the course of anywhere from three months to about a year. Often the weight loss was about 50 pounds.
Now here I was, in my late 30s, in the aftermath of a lot of trials that had me turning to my go-to for comfort – food. In the span of a few years, I had lost babies, my husband had a serious accident that caused traumatic brain injury, and I just had another baby. She was 10 pounds, 15 ounces, 23 inches long…but that didn’t explain why I was heavier than ever before.
“I just feel awful. I can’t believe what I’ve done to myself.”
There was a name for how I was feeling – self-loathing. A fancier way of saying I hated myself.
And on some level, I felt good about this. It seemed sort of humble. Sort of Christian. I mean weren’t we supposed to be self-sacrificing? Die to self?
“You know, to think of ourselves as so unworthy, to hate ourselves is actually sinful.”
My counselor’s words stunned me.
“It’s kind of like calling God a liar.”
Well this was news to me…and certainly not what I had in mind. I loved God. And I knew He loved me.
She went on…
“Well, think about it. God says we’re fearfully and wonderfully made. He rejoices over us. So if you’re hating yourself, you’re not believing what He says.”
It was a light-bulb moment.
I didn’t change instantly that day. I didn’t go from self-loathing to self-love in that moment.
In fact, it’s been a journey of many years. But today more than ever, I have come to know, love, and accept myself. I have come to love myself in a way that’s made it easier to freely love others. Not for what they give me or how they please me or because they fill my need to be loved. Just because, like me, they are fearfully and wonderfully made.
No matter who they are. No matter what path they’re walking. I’m called to love them – every one.
We love because He first loved us.
He, the God of the Universe loves us beyond understanding. That love lives in me through God’s Holy Spirit. That love allows me to love myself, flaws and all. And that love allows me to extend love to everyone. Oh, I haven’t gotten there. But that’s the goal – to love like God. And I’ve gotten closer.
This journey has definitely given me a new understanding of “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I’ve come to see that I really do need to love myself to love others well. I’ve used the example of my struggle with weight, but self-loathing can show up in lots of other ways - lack of boundaries, depleting ourselves to the point of burnout, perfectionism that keeps us stuck.
One of the ways I’ve learned to love myself is to really pay attention to the mean things I say to myself. If this resonates, I’ve got a FREE download for you.
Do you love yourself? How can you love yourself better, so you can love others more freely too?