Episode 20 -How to Have a Vision for Your Sex Life – Part 4

Want to dramatically change your marriage for good? It takes just one word...

Hey Mama who just may find this one word has miraculous powers…

There is tremendous power in our words. The Bible has plenty to say about this. Here is just one example. 

Proverbs 18:21 in The Message says,

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.”

In my 37 years of marriage, I have used my words to build up my husband, to express my love, to soothe, understand, clarify, build our relationship. 

But I have also used my words as weapons of destruction. I have used my words to hurt my husband. I have used my words to accuse my husband. 

And that’s where this one little word comes in. 

With this one word shift you can:

Go from feeling dismissed to being heard

• Stop shutting down conversations between you and your husband through blame and shame and open up better lines of communication

• Take more ownership and feel more empowered through clearer communication.

What’s this one word?

 “I”!

Often, throughout the course of a day, we communicate by using “you” statements, especially with our husbands. The person on the receiving end of these “you” statements often feels accused and defensive because we are putting the blame on them for both the actions they’ve taken and the feelings we have as a result. When we use “I” statements, we instead take responsibility for our feelings and make room for compassion and understanding from the person we’re talking to.

One morning recently, my husband got out of bed very early. He flung back the covers, leaving me without the cocoon of my blanket. 

When I got downstairs, I blurted out, 

“Hon, why do you always fling the covers off our bed every morning when I’m still sleeping? You woke me up before my alarm went off!”

His response? He looked up a little wide-eyed at my early morning intensity. 

“Yeah…sorry. I don’t do it every day.”

“Well actually you do. You’ve done it every day this week. You throw off the covers and because I’m freezing, it wakes me up…and then I can’t get back to sleep.”

“Oh…okay. Sorry. I’ll try to remember that.”

There’s a bit of a chill in the air, because Chris has shut down. He doesn’t want to deal with my accusations and his defense is minimal response. 

Now if I decide instead to use “I” instead of “you,” this conversation could go in a whole different direction. 

“Hon, I woke up to a cold blast of air this morning because the covers came off me when you got out of bed. My alarm doesn’t go off till 7 am and I really feel better with that extra hour of sleep.”

“Oh…really? I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. You know me and my sleep…can you just make sure the covers are still on as you slip out of bed?”

“Of course. I’ll be more careful. Sorry – I’m sure that wasn’t the best way to wake up.”

“Thanks!”

That simple shift in communication went from dividing us to building a bridge of understanding and willingness to do better. This wasn’t a critical situation, but it was a good opportunity to practice “I” statements. 

I’ve got another example on the MomVision podcast.

Remember, we can’t experience the romance, love, and sex we desire, if we don’t have an idea or vision of what that means. Most of us want better, more loving communication. “I” statements are one specific step we can take to move toward that goal. As we improve our communication, intimacy builds, and sex is one essential element of intimacy.