Episode 18- How to Have a Vision for Your Sex Life – Part 2

Hey Mama who has a hard time being intentional about anything these days…

This week, I’m talking about what it means to have an intentional marriage. 

Remember, having a vision for our sex life stems from having an idea, a mental picture, clarity about what it is we desire for our relationship with our spouse. You cannot move towards something if you haven’t defined what that something is. However, if you have a picture of your ideal love, romance, and sex life (the three are intertwined), you can move toward it. 

And if you determine how, meaning what action you will take to move toward your ideal love, romance, and sex life, then you have an intentional marriage. 

So, the question is, do you have an intentional marriage? Are you nurturing your relationship on purpose? Are you doing things that keep you feeling emotionally connected to each other? Are you making sure you keep your sexual connection going even if it means putting sex on the calendar? 

Having the marriage of my dreams – the one with frequent fabulous sex, flowers galore, chocolates (the kind I love, not just any old), snuggling on the couch, holding hands – turns out wasn’t going to just happen naturally. 

First, I had to adjust my vision. 

We were often too tired from work and life stress to make a meal, engage in meaningful conversation, and make wild passionate love. And so I found myself feeling disillusioned and disappointed…and guilty because I felt this way. What I realized was I was comparing the reality of my marriage to the marriage of my dreams…and reality was coming up short! 

Once I adjusted my vision to the reality of real-life marriage, I realized this marriage thing was going to take work. And then adding kids to the mix adds a whole lot more complication. 

Life gets in the way of making our blissful imaginings, reality. We had the wedding day of our dreams, a fabulous honeymoon, and a wonderful little apartment in a charming city. We also had weekend custody of Chris’ at-the-time seven-year-old daughter. Then, within a few months of marriage, we went in on a gourmet cheese and coffee shop, even with full-time jobs. Then a baby, my by-then tween stepdaughter moved in, and then another baby. 

We pulled out some of the tools we had gained from our Marriage Prep weekend. We recalled one of the big principles was “Love Is a Decision.” There are days when we weren’t feeling it, but we could still decide to love, to show love, to commit to caring for each other. 

Another tool we had was called dialoguing. You formulate a question you both agree to answer. What is it like being married to me today?  What do you need from me to feel loved? You write your answers to one another in a letter form for 10 minutes. Then you exchange your letters and go over them verbally for about 10 minutes. 

In addition to the tools I’ve shared, we started having date nights. Attended conferences for a few hours or a weekend. We read books and listened to audio series together. Sometimes we do devotionals together…and pray together too. 

So you see, having a vision for your sex life comes from having a more realistic vision of what marriage is really like and being intentional about building connection that leads to intimacy. 

How do you have an intentional marriage? 

1. Start with a vision for your marriage – What is it you desire for your relationship with your spouse? 

2. In light of your real-life circumstances, how can you move toward your ideal marriage? What one step can you take? 

3. Commit to love – on the days you feel it and the days you don’t. 

4. Find marriage tools to keep you connected. 

5. Take advantage of opportunities to grow.