How to Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
Are you often thinking about what you “should” or “should” not be doing?
Does your self-talk go something like this:
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I grabbed that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I should have had a salad.
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I said blank, but I should’ve said blank.
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I’m taking a few minutes to write in my journal, but I should be cleaning the kitchen.
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I’m watching All American or The Crown, but I should be getting the workstation ready for the kid’s (home)school day tomorrow.
Fill in the blank…
“I’m doing this, but I should be doing that.”
This is a sure sign that you are not in the moment and filling your mind with regrets. Your self-talk, whether spoken in your mind or out loud, is not serving you. In fact, it’s causing you unnecessary stress. Because, guess what, you get to decide what you will put in your mouth, what you will do with your time, what you might need to do in that particular moment.
And, yes, you might need to put your feet up after a long day and relax with your favorite TV program, book, or whatever else might give you a few minutes of down time.
When we are constantly thinking about what we should be saying, doing, eating, we are in a state of second-guessing, criticizing, and correcting ourselves. The interpretation to ourselves is that we’ve made the wrong choice. And, likely, this leads to a cycle of frustration and feeling badly about ourselves.
Imagine what it would do to someone – our children, our spouses, our friends – if we constantly told them what they should do instead of what they’ve already done. (If we are guilty of this, it’s a good time to examine our words…but first let’s deal with you!) Our words would leave our recipients feeling disheartened and deflated.
And that’s the impact we’re having on ourselves.
I remember years ago, a colleague helped me see that I was guilty of constantly shoulding all over myself. I was insecure about a client presentation, copy I had written, a conversation I had with my boss.
This friend said it was like I was carrying someone around on my back and inviting them to whisper in my ear all day long, “You should, you should’ve, you shouldn’t have…” I realized it was true. I was allowing my thoughts to be full of corrections and regrets. Who needs that? I wanted to stop. It took some work, but now, I try to be conscious of my shoulds and stop them in their tracks.
Here are 3 steps to take If you’re suffering from the effects of relentlessly shoulding all over yourself:
1. Identify Your “Should” Thoughts – Change begins when we recognize a behavior we want to change. Check your thoughts. How often are you saying what you “should” do? What are you saying it about? Jot this down.
2. Identify Who Might Be at the Root of Your “Shoulds” – When you say you should, who’s the author? Are you trying to live up to someone else’s expectations or perceived standards? Your mother, father, siblings, boss, friend…or worse, someone’s Facebook or Instagram persona? You answer to you. If it’s your harsh inner critic, work on being kinder to you.
3. Examine Your “Shoulds” – There is always room for change and growth. Maybe there is something you actually do want to work on. Rather than should on yourself, come up with a conscious plan. Take one should at a time, one step at a time. Here are three scenarios of shoulding and how to change them.
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Do you feel guilty every time you choose to relax, to do nothing, to read, flip through a magazine? Then maybe it’s time you enjoy the freedom of giving yourself permission to have some downtime without thinking about what else you should be doing. This can take practice, especially for busy moms who have endless To-Dos (enter the Got-Done List!).
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Do you feel like every time you have an important conversation with your boss, there are things you should’ve said, but didn’t. Make a list before the next conversation of what you want to say. If you’re feeling anxious about a conversation, write it out and role play a bit.
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Are you chronically choosing food on the fly and desire to adjust this behavior so you have the healthier foods you want and enjoy? Okay, well this is simple but not easy, especially during COVID. Be prepared. Make sure your fridge is stocked with healthy options and give yourself permission to enjoy peanut butter and jelly from time to time.
Shoulds that roll around in our minds unchecked add to a sense of guilt and not enough.
Take this challenge to stop shoulding all over yourself. Let’s call out our shoulds, take a look at them, and take concrete steps toward the changes we desire. Click on the link below to get a Stop Shoulding Worksheet to guide you. I’m cheering you on. Let me know how I can help!