How Just One Word Can Revolutionize Your Relationships

What if I told you by shifting one word, you could more effectively communicate with the ones you love?

It’s true. Here’s what I mean…

How is your relationship with your spouse, kids, parents, siblings going?

 Are you feeling an extra dose of tension as you navigate this season filled with added stress from a global pandemic, political polarization, racial injustice to name just a few? Has it taken some getting used to have your spouse home and, in many cases, you too, while also trying to raise and educate a family from home?

  With this one word shift you can:

• Go from being dismissed to feeling heard.

• Stop shutting down conversations through blame and shame and start experiencing better relationships

• Take more ownership and feel more empowered through clearer communication

What’s this one word? It’s as simple as one letter…

 “I”!

That’s right. “I”!

 Often, throughout the course of a day, we communicate by using “you” statements, especially with the people we’re closest to. So, the person on the receiving end of these “you” statements often feels accused and defensive because you are putting all the blame on them for both the actions they’ve taken and the feelings you have as a result. When we use “I” statements, we instead take responsibility for our feelings and make room for compassion and understanding from the person we’re talking to.

Let’s set the stage so you can see what I mean.

One morning, when my husband got out of the bed to go downstairs and get his coffee started, he flung back the covers, leaving me without the cocoon of my blanket, which resulted in me being awakened by a rush of cool air.

When I went downstairs to get my day started, I noticed there was a pile of dishes next to the sink that had not been there when I went up to bed the night before.

Then I almost tripped on my someone’s shoes, as I’m sure that same someone kicked them off thoughtlessly on the way in the door.   

What was my response?

“Hon, why do you always fling the covers off our bed every morning when I’m still sleeping? You woke me up!”

 “Why would someone just leave this pile of dishes by the sink? There is no maid cleaning up after anyone in this house.”

“I almost broke my neck tripping over the shoes in the middle of the floor. Who left their shoes there? Unbelievable!”

 I feel completely justified responding the way I did to these inconveniences, one of which is actually dangerous.

I have a right to be annoyed and accusatory, don’t I?

I mean after all, everyone in my house knows the way I like things. We all know what a sense of responsibility is within our home, our place where we live as a community.

 BUT – If I choose to respond with a lot of yous in my conversation, I will end up shutting up and out all of my family members.

Pretty much anyone would feel accused and therefore defensive with my blaming words. However, if I turn those words into mostly “I” statements, I am much more likely to be heard and responded to with the exact behavior I’m looking for.

Let’s reframe my above responses to see how simply we can shift our conversation so it’s more productive…and leads to the desired result – changed behaviors.

Same scenario. Different words.

“Hon, I get such a chill when the covers are pulled back in the morning. It wakes me up.”

“I get cranky when I see a pile of dishes by the sink in the morning. I would appreciate it if you could put them in the dishwasher before you go to bed.” 

“I put a basket by the door to hold our shoes when we come in. Could we all agree to use the basket?”

Now, at first, this kind of a shift might seem, well, a little ridiculous. Why should I have to change what I do or say, to get someone else to change?

 In fact, that’s where our power lies. By responding in “I” terms we take ownership of the way we’re communicating. We invite listening, instead of defending. And the person we’re speaking with can actually experience some empathy and understanding, rather than wanting to distance themselves from us, a.k.a., run in the other direction.

At first, this kind of communication can feel awkward and insincere.

As the old adage goes, “Fake it till you make it.” But eventually, as we model and practice using more “I” statements, we and those in our household start to shift our collective behavior, which eventually leads to a happier healthier family. So, everyone wins.

Try it with your spouse first. Let me know how it goes. I’m cheering you on!